The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
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WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap