The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
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Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I never needed anything more in my life
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles