The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
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Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden