My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
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One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.