Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
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Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.