Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
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Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks