*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
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aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Meanwhile in Portland…
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
spot the difference
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.