Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
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i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.