Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
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Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
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The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.