Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
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American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
THIS HEADLINE
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Dammit Chief not again
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless