Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
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Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.