When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
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dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*