Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
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I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
a fate I wish upon no one
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.