Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
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Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
sugar glider wrangler
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
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I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.