You Might Also Like
My good tweets are in my other pants.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.