Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
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People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
guilty
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.