Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
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OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
This checks out
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.