Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
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[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
💻🤡
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes