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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.