My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.