I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
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If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage