I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
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ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
School be like
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.