Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
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Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.