[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
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my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
good work, detective
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
How about daylight saves us for once
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.