FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Tremendous stuff
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*