me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
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Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
My god she’s good.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Yes
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely