I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
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A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
what it’s like dating me:
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”