Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
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The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
being a writer on Twitter:
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]