[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
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It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Legend 🤣🤣
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/