“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
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My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
What a chick magnet..
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.