Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
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The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH