I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
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just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*