Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
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For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?