“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
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Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*