I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
You Might Also Like
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
#FunnyLife Insects
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks