My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
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[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Sharon, call the vet
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.