Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
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[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.