As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
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*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Taliband
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Truth
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.