First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
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Me when my alarm goes off
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.