The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
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Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Children of the corn 🌽
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Just a reminder, folks: