[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
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In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
this is the most humiliating day of my life
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.