Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
this country is so goddamn polarized
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*