My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
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My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
#MeanwhileinCanada
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you