my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
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Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Friends that check up on you >
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.