I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
You Might Also Like
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?