someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
You Might Also Like
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?