When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
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If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Lmao
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK