If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
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Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.