A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
You Might Also Like
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point