Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
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I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.